Moments: She made it.

It's been the longest, shortest 4 years of my life. As I watched my oldest baby girl receive all manner of accolades and awards over the last couple weeks, culminating in her class march to receive her Honors with Distinction Diploma, I found myself in this really weird place....I was straining to 'feel' the significance of these brief moments. Straining to grasp the reality that she'll be moving out within the month, on her own forever, no longer flitting thru my house with friends and emotions and laughter and tears.

I suppose we all do this during defining moments of life....our graduation, our wedding, the birth of our first child, our first mortgage, our child's driver's license, etc. Times we will look back on thru memories in a photo album or the tug of emotion in our gut as we ponder the past. At the time we tell ourselves, "well, this is it, this is a defining moment, and we'll remember this forever." But while I sat in my seat in the massive arena last night, waiting patiently for the stream of red robes to make their way thru the formal traditions of our nation's graduation ceremony, I was struck again by the slow-motion way these events occur as they're happening, only to reach the end and wonder how yesterday the doctor was telling me "you have a girl".

The sages tell us to savor these passing moments, so I've tried to really do so, taking lots of pictures, and basking in my emmense pride over this beautiful creation I brought into the world just 18.5 years ago. I turn over in my mind the little goofy things she did growing up, and passion she exudes for living life. And I'm getting it. We are living in the moment, stressful as it can be, living it fully with emotions in tact and in full swing.

I was worried I should cry at the ceremony and maybe wouldn't. But I needn't have worried. The monotonous pomp and circumstance wove its magic thru the tensions and harried-ness of the last week. Seeing my stunning daughter walk up to her place before the stage in the midst of the music and the banners, I was having a hard time keeping it together.

So here she is, on Awards Night, balancing her many acheivements garnered after four years of hard work, smiling her incandescent smile. And here she poses with her sibs, having moved the tassle from one side to the other:

And here is her dad and I, feeling every bit the 22 year old I was when she was handed to me at St. Joseph Hospital in 1989, still glorying in her presence, still worrying I'll let her down, still feeling incapable of being who she needs me to be for her. And yet, she is an adult now, me a middle age mama, bewildered that she's been mine for such a short time and preparing to let her belong to herself and to the brilliant future that awaits her.

Dearest M,

You are light and strength and irrepressible grace. I look back on the last almost 20 years in fear and trembling, knowing I've not been as I longed to be for you so many times. But as we stand on the precipice of the nest, know that I gave you my heart and now give you my blessing to fly away into your life with joy and expectation for all good things. You are an amazing, talented, beautiful young woman......I am so proud of you, not just because of your accomplishments, but because you are part of me, part of my heart. Be kind to yourself, believe in big things, but don't let the little things pass by without notice. You have so much to offer the world with your smile and your empathy and your passion, and I'm certain you'll be a blessing to many, many people who will cross your path. It's pretty much inevitable.

Thank you for being my Schmodie.

Now, go do your thang, girl!

Musings: Last day of school.

Someone pinch me. It's over. I made it. The kids are currently sitting in their respective schools on the last day of the school year. I've gone back and read the posts I made documenting the ups and downs of the start of this year, and the bumps along the way, and I'm incredulous that we're done.

I have a glorious couple months to re-evaluate what will happen for the next school year. Whatever happens, it's gonna be a completely different experience. First off, we'll be in a new house in a new school district. Second, another of my chicks will have flown the nest, shrinking my little brood down to a mere four. Third, I'll have 2 kids in two different school district's high schools....and at least one at home. Haven't completely decided what the 3rd grader will do yet, but I'm holding out hope that he'll still be home with me for yet another year.

In many ways I feel ok with my life, with all the changes that keep things exciting. On the other hand, I feel tremendously afraid, that I might be really wrecking my kids' lives, that this whole moving thing is a mistake. Sophocles said children are the anchors that hold a mother to life. Yeah, he ain't kiddin'. How care-free life would be if I didn't have to worry about the well-being of my kids! And yet how completely meaningless my life would be without them. They bring a grittiness to my life that keeps me firmly planted into the firmament, reminding me I'm still made of dust.

Living with the regrets of my choices and experiences is a part of my life, the twisted threads that make up the tapestry of my being, and so I've resolved myself to appreciating their patterned presence in the fabric. I am a human. I will need to make countless decisions on countless days regarding my kids, and lots of those days will be fraught with stress, lack of sleep, and other earthy stuff that necessarily means I'm not gonna do it 'right' a lot of the time. But I'll try to be honest in hindsight, forgiving in the present, and hopeful for the future.

And I'll buy my kids lots of Summer Snow slushies, cause they make the world a better place.